Yes, it happens, much more than you probably know.
Yes, it does harm. No, it doesn’t matter if the boy enjoyed any of it.
This site is a collection of resources to help those who have questions about such abuse.
The majority of sexual abuse toward children is men abusing girls, followed by men abusing boys. Fortunately, there are many wonderful organizations continuing to pursue solutions for such problems. But there are also thousands of cases every year of women sexually abusing girls and boys – even cases of mothers sexually abusing sons and daughters. Resources to help abused girls is gaining ground, but resources for boys sexually abused by women are incredibly lacking.
Since much of the public continues to dismiss how such inappropriate encounters mess with the minds of young boys, there is little information available on the subject. This website hopes to make it easier to find helpful resources.
TERMINOLOGY
This site often uses terms like “sexual encounter,” “inappropriate events,” and other casual phrases because many men have trouble or resistance to accepting terms like “abuse” or “victim.” Even the term “survivor” can be difficult to accept, especially if they enjoyed any of it. For many men, it takes time to accept that labeling a situation as abusive does not make a man “weak.” Men often have an innate and/or social expectation pushed on them to always be in control. The idea that they were helpless, manipulated, etc., is hard to accept, even with overwhelming evidence that accepting their “encounter(s)” as abuse leads to a healthier outlook on their experiences. But to be clear, adults are the only ones who have any responsibility to prevent such events. To the men reading this… You were a young, innocent, naive child who rightly expected the adults in your life to look out for you and only do what is best for you. Anything else is neglect and/or abuse. While each person should be free to use whatever terminology is most comfortable, we encourage men read up on how a healthy reframing of such “inappropriate incidents,” including using clear terminology that reinforces that you were only a defenseless child that didn’t know any better, can help you move forward and heal.
WHY WOMEN ABUSING BOYS IS SO UNDER REPORTED
Because it is less common and under-researched, men often have trouble accepting that their inappropriate situations/encounters are worthy of attention. There is also the fear of not being believed since the public is often dismissive of the damage such encounters do. A lot of society still clings to idealizations about women being entirely nurturing, compassionate, etc., so family and friends often react with horror and disbelief when they hear about such abuse. It does not help that so many social services and police organizations are ill trained on the subject, which dissuades victims from pursuing any kind of reporting. However, there are actually thousands of such incidents that do get recorded by authorities every year, all over the world. This implies that there are probably a great many more incidents that never get the public’s attention.
DAMAGE TO THE MINDS OF BOYS
Contrary to what a lot of society still believes, there is plenty of evidence that a boy is not “lucky” to have a sexual encounter with an adult woman. There is also a lot of evidence that any trauma or intense and confusing events in childhood can even alter the neurological development of the brain – which can take years to heal. But even if you have trouble accepting that inappropriate encounters can actually have biological implications, adults sculpt our beliefs on what to fear, who to trust, and whether we are loved and worthy of love. Depression, dissociation, anxiety disorders, addiction, difficulties in relationships — being controlling or emotionally distant, are all common symptoms in men who were sexually abused by women.
No child is ready for the confusing emotions such encounters can cause. Even if the boy “liked it,” it opens a flood of questions. Why would one woman do it and not all the other women in the boy’s life? Are all women actually sexually aggressive/promiscuous/etc? The boy may wonder if they are dirty if they are encouraged or threatened to keep it a secret. They may feel rejected and used if the attention doesn’t continue. They may feel gross if they were pushed to do things they didn’t enjoy or if they did things they never heard of anyone else doing. What attraction and romance is may seem warped and confusing. Even if the boy enjoyed or pursued any of the sexual encounters, they may not realize how wrong or disturbing it was until they attempt similar things with others, leading to more confusion of what is and isn’t normal for their age.
The experience may also set the tone for how the boy relates to women later in life…whether women are seen as equals, or sexual objects, or strange creatures to be conquered or feared. There are a great many examples of men having relationship issues that seem to stem from their early encounters with women. We hope you will see that no boy was “lucky” to be introduced to such intense sexual experiences at an early age.
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